Worn Out - August 5, 2013

I really would love to go to Dr. Hotze and Dr. Hopkins, I'd love to get a thermogram and a treadmill and all my medicine, but we can't afford any of it at this time and so I am left up in the middle of the night trying to figure this all out on my own and trust me I am not doing a very good job of it. Three weeks now of really not sleeping hardly at all along with headaches, stomach aches, sinus issues and infection on my finger and last night a small seizure. Seizures are something I have had since I was 13 off and on and more on during pregnancy, so not that big of a deal, but it’s just another thing to add to the list.

I know things are not good, but what am I to do? I am considering doing a detox - another fruit and veggie meal plan or water fast or something. I feel powerless and that is what the worst about this - feeling no control over my own mind and body to shut off and sleep peacefully. Tonight I took a fist full of meds and I still woke up at 12 after 2 hours of sleep. I went back to sleep for another 2 hours and then I am up again and now it’s almost 4 now.  We have made attempts to make things better. We pulled up the carpet in our room for the allergen factor, we got rid of the TV in the bedroom and we are shutting the door so animals can come in to wake me up. I added a radio in the bedroom, so I could focus on other things and tonight I tried country music. Obviously that didn't work. I want to eventually get blackout curtains and perhaps sleep therapy as the doctor’s office never called to set up my sleep study as they said. I guess i'll call in the morning. I am taking the sleep medicines from the acupuncturist, the holistic doc and even additional things like melatonin from over the counter. I have been staying away from the Soma and Abien as I really don't want all the hard and heavy stuff and really last time I took Abien I was still up and so what’s the point.

Mark ticked me off yesterday and I left him sitting in church service (seriously) and went to hear Hannah talk about her Spain trip in her youth group. The rest of the day we never talked about the issue of what he said.  We have to take two separate cars to church as we don’t have the 12 passenger anymore. Hannah drove home and I was still sad and frustrated, but yet Mark and I made it through the whole day and night without talking.

We have done a lot of talking lately and we've been together 17 years and so it’s not like our marriage is on the rocks or anything; it’s just we are both tired and frustrated with my health situation and how that’s impacting everything in the home.

I remember being up throughout the night with the thought of death from cancer looming over me. I wondered what would happen to the family, Mark, the kids and their lives and everything if I was gone.  That was difficult because there was no knowing at the time what was going to happen. The doctors, as usually is the case were using scare tactics when I left chemo and so I had the percentages and such in my mind at all times until I released that and realized I wasn't a statistic.

So, why am I up now? I am not sure I have a lot on my plate, but I always have a lot on my plate. 6 kids, 1 dog, 3 cats, 2 birds, a hubby and large house make for a lot of work. Education, money, politics, etc. add to that. Work, my health, the children’s needs all add to that. I think I just need to get it all taken care of somehow. Please pray that the Lord will release me from all of this unrest. Please pray I can be pain free and healthy again soon.

I want to be normal like I was before the bladder lift/ hysterectomy surgery almost 4 years ago.  I weighed 35 pounds  less, I slept through the night, I had not had cancer, and I was by most measures healthy and happy. I don't feel very healthy or happy now and I really just want to get better.

My birthday is in 10 days and I'll be 42. Right now I feel that I am aging a super speed rate because of this situation and I just have to find some solutions and relief.

Okay, so that’s enough belly aching for one night.

Blessings,

Karri