I have been back and forth on this whole idea of going forward with chemo or trying to go completely holistic. On one hand I want to trust completely in God for healing and a miracle without medical intervention. On the other hand, I think, well God has provided all that I have each day and that includes the medical treatment. I think about story of the guy praying to God for help as he stands on a roof top in a flood and eventually people come to help him. A boat comes by and the guys shout “Thanks, but no I’m waiting for God.” and then the helicopter comes by and he again shouts “Thanks, but no, I’m waiting for God.” And so on and so on. So, the guy dies of starvation and dehydration and he gets to heaven and he says “God why didn’t you save me?” and God answers “I sent you a boat and a helicopter, etc. and you chose not to take it.” So I am starting to feel that is the only thing I can do at this point. I need to take and accept whatever God provides, even if I am less than happy with it.
We live in America, we have insurance, Mark has a job; we have medical professionals all around us and more. God has provided big time for us! I just don’t want to have cancer and I definitely don’t want my breast cut off and the major surgery or the harsh chemo and all its side effects. I don’t want to not be able to hold my kids for 6 weeks plus after surgery and I don’t want to be on bed rest and completely dependent on people. I feel a bit like a spoiled brat having her temper- tantrum in the department store because my parent won’t get me what I want. I know it’s childish, but currently that is how I feel. I usually know what I want. Mark jokes with me (less now than when we dating) when I order my food like Sally from when Harry met Sally. I want things just the way I like them, especially if I am paying for it. In this cancer situation, I will be paying to get rid of cancer with pain, frustration and irritation. That bites!
But on a saner note, even Jesus himself struggled with this internal fight.
“Jesus went a little further and fell on His face and prayed saying, “Oh Father, if it possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless, not as I will but as you will.”
If Jesus himself felt like this with his pain and suffering and eventual death, then I feel better in my emotions, instead of feeling embarrassed or guilty for feeling the way I do. Jesus prayed in His stressful situation and I am praying too. In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus asked God to revise His plans. He felt free to ask for what He wanted, but He was willing to accept God’s answer even if it’s not what He wanted. I am honest with God and I trust Him completely wherever He leads me. There is great peace in knowing that He will never leave or forsake me.
I have two more Monday's of this chemo and then I am gonna switch to the harsh chemo for 2 months. I spoke to the oncologist yesterday and I asked if I could get out of it and she said no, as the reason for it, is to prevent spreading of the cancer. Since the surgery has such a long healing time, there can’t be chemo to continue to kill the cancer at that time and so we have to make sure it is wiped out to the best of our ability. When cancer is found in your bloodstream then they test it weekly to see its levels. The test results from last Thursdays tests show that on a range from 0.0 – 25, I am at 23.4! I can’t expect this aggressive little monster to go away without fighting it hard without everything in my power that God has provided, even if it’s not how I would choose it.
Please continue to pray for me, my healing and more than anything my schedule and dealing with my not getting my way. Please pray that God will work out lots of help and support for me during this time. I also would like angels to comfort me as well, especially during the pain and discomfort.