Blessed in Disappointment - Sat. August 11, 2012

Written Saturday a.m. Aug 11

Yesterday was a hard day and night for me; in fact, this whole week although very productive has taken its toll on me. Last night around 7:00, I asked Mark to take me out on a date night so we could relax a bit. Unfortunately, some interpersonal relationships had upset me, I was tired, and well things were difficult at the first of the evening.

We drove to Las Centerra , a nice shopping / restaurant  center in Katy.  I think the stress of cancer and then the symptoms I have been having and then the stress all just hit me at once.  We went into a nice Mexican restaurant and then walked out after being seating and checking the high prices, then we started to walk to the wine bar and on the way I mentioned that my legs hurt. In fact, all this week I have been having different pains and issues here and there.  I started crying as I talked about everything, I just could not go into a public place, and so we sat outside by a water fountain while I cried.  My legs hurt the bones on primarily my left side hurt and my wrist. I have been getting even less sleep than normal,  4 -5 hours a night of the usual interrupted sleep with potty trips and so I’m sure that contributed to my little cry about life and it’s difficulties.
Anyways, we decided to go to the car and look for another restaurant. Mark listened to me and told me that some of the things I was thinking and believing were just lies from Satan. I really appreciate him being able to walk hand in hand with me, and rub my back and tell me to have faith that the Lord will heal me. He prayed before our meal at Chili’s and said things so well. I felt the Holy Spirit immediately calm me. We talked about the upcoming trip and tried to figure out logistics for childcare for all the kids and such and so after our good meal we headed home. The boys were already in bed thanks to the girls and so I was able to climb in bed and rest and then go to bed early (10:30) for the first time all week.

I am usually happy as my birthday (Aug 15th) draws near and I have never been one to worry about getting old with age spots, wrinkles and whatever. I am forty and am okay to look my age. While I can take care of myself aging is just a part of life. I have never understood why some women get offended by the age question and make such a big deal out of it. Anyways, all that to say I am not happy as my birthday nears this year because being stage 3b and heading off to Illinois for testing and possible treatment next week (on the 16th)  that could find that I have progressed to stage 4 and that my lymph pain or bone pain could be the spreading of the cancer. I have always known this is a reality but it was not really until last week that I started thinking of my birthday as possibly my last. When Amy told me that her friend that was 40 when diagnosed with cancer died at 41 it really scared me. I realize that some cancer patients go on to be completely healed and enjoy a healthy and happy life and well many die. So that second thought has been looming around in my head as I try to stay positive and move forward with life.

I have had some major challenges this week and instead of feeling understood and supported by certain people, I have been disappointed and felt a real lack of communication.  Normal problems in life seem to be expounded when you are tired and stressed and then you add the constant cancer life to the mix and it’s just not good. I won’t wallow in self-pity for long though, it lasts hours or days but no more than that I have to keep moving and do things.  

The more and more that people let me down, the more and more I run to my Savior for help and support and that is a good thing. In fact, I wonder if the one of the main reason I was even given cancer was so that I could spend more quality time seeking the Lord and not putting my trust in Him instead of man. People disappoint and I am now grateful when things like this happen in life because it gives that reality  check (time and time again) that God alone is my rock and that all people (myself included) make mistakes and can’t always be relied upon. Even when by the world standards situations looks bad, I am now thanking the Lord because I know He is in control and that must be what He had planned for my family and the schools, Mark’s work, etc, me.  I have become more patient and even though I’ll get disappointed and even express it out loud it doesn’t last as long as it used to since I figure who has time for brewing or rehashing or over thinking. I have to just pray about things and move on. Mark has always been great at this. He can roll over an sleep in the middle of all kinds of stress; he says there’s no need to worry and especially when nothing can be done and so I am trying to be more like him in this area.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Give us each day our daily bread. Luke 11:3

Anyways time is up and I have to go. The housekeepers are coming for the first time in about 6 weeks and with our big house and our many little people that is huge! I always feel better in general when the house is clean, so I am excited. We have to clean up before they can clean and so I have to wake everyone and get everybody fed and then in action.

Have a blessed day in the Lord
Karri