Middle of The Night Thoughts - Feb 17, 2012

It is 12:30 a.m. and I officially have been up for 20 hours now. I can't sleep. I am tired, but I can't sleep. I think I got 5 hours the last night.  I have neuropathy on my right side and that is frustrating. I get hot and then cold. I think, get irritated/ restless, pray and then the cycle through the same process over and over. I think about all the things I need to do, and all the conversations I have had. I ask God what I should do, and who I should talk to and listen to. My mind is calm and quiet here and there waiting for a quick answer before my mind is off somewhere else.

Holly’s 13th birthday is on Sunday, but she hasn’t thought about it much. I think she doesn’t want to be disappointed. I was at chemo on Hope’s birthday last month and Holly knows that my life has been filled with many other activities and events and that now we are looking for a second opinion. Time, money and energy at are a premium (as always, right?) and this kinda snuck up on us as the weeks started seeping into one another so quickly as we are doing so much. Hannah is going to Oklahoma with the McCarty’s this weekend and I think Holly is maybe even sad Hannah won’t be here.  I feel sorry and sad for my daughter and then I am like, no she’ll be fine, God is in control and then I think well yes, God is in control and he is allowing this to happen, so then I think o.k. God let’s make a deal. What can I quickly do, to make things right with you and learn what I need to and move on from this place? Who do I need to apologize to or talk to, etc? Christian thinking on no sleep is completely irrational and untrue I know and so please don’t comment on the craziness of that.  

I just want to take care of everything and do everything, and honestly be me and my normal self in control of everything including this cancer, which I have no obvious control over. I don’t want to need for others to help me. I appreciate the cards and the meals, the gifts, the kind words and the prayers and everything .Trust me I really do, but sometimes, I just want even that to be over, so I could be back to normal. I would love it to be me helping, instead of the other way around. That’s a much better place to be in. It’s only been around 3 weeks since we started the care calendar and asked people to start praying. I’m supposed to be on the receiving end of the blessings for a year or more? That seems a bit much – don’t ya think?

Anyways, after dealing with the kitty during this e-mail it is now 1:00 a.m. I seriously don’t know what to do, take a pill, watch TV, what do I do when I am up like this? Tomorrow is today now, and I am quite honestly not prepared.  I hope to talk to my doctor, she never called.

Love you,

Karri