February 1, 2012 - In The Critical Phase

Well, I got some pretty bad news today at chemo. The doctor said that my WBC (white blood count) has dropped into the critical phase (2.7) as I skipped a shot called Nupregen (not sure on the spelling) this last week. I feel like I was playing a game of poker and lost the hand. The doctors has given me the green light to skip the shot since it caused a lot of pain in my bones and I was sick for a whole 7 days afterwards. I am an awesome negotiator. I hated it and I wanted to forgo it , but now tomorrow I will have to go back and get the shot at 12:00 and then on top of that they want me to come in on Friday at 10:00 for a second shot this week. They said that they will give me a heavy drug for pain ( it’s right under morphine) and so I will have to miss school on Friday and basically will be in bed trying to get my body to heal and recover and get better for the next 3 plus days. I expect lots of pain as just one shot was awful. I am VERY disappointed and occasionally frustrated with the situation, but I’ll be o.k. God is Good. Although I will have to say that I am not always happy with all of his plans for my life.
My friend Bobbie came up to chemo with me and then afterwards I stayed at her house the rest of the day until my hubby picked me up after our family went to church. It’s now 9:30 and I am very tired and ready to go to bed. I am very grateful for all of my many blessing in spite of this yucky news. I have wonderful friends and family, a cute, hardworking hubby, beautiful kids and every day is a new day. However, I feel like I have disappointed everyone with my getting sick. It’s an issue that I am upset about. People say don’t worry and such, but it still just bothers me. Whether you are late to an event because there was a car wreck or because of poor time management , you are still late; the reasons are unimportant. I am here whether I choose it or not. I know I can’t be at CC on Friday with my director cap on and I hate that fact. I know that I will be in bed or on the couch for days and I will be too sore and weak to pick up my young kids and I hate that fact. I know that I will have to be dependent on many people for everything from child care and transportation to helping with the house work and homeschooling and I hate that fact.
I wish this was all just a bad dream and that I could wake up quickly and everything would be like it was. I want to be where there are no more hospital visits, lab work, chemo, and shots resulting in stress and coordinating and working on fine logistics everyday about ever every hour. I wish there was no more worry, pain and frustration or bad news. I wish Jesus would just come back at times. I know I am ranting but heck I have had quite a month and it’s been a long day.

The last big things to say quickly before bed.

1. A sweet family is having cleaning crew come in every other week and clean our home from top to bottom and I already had the first cleaning and it was amazing!

2. An old art teacher of the kids from PREP, called to say she has a litter of kittens and so maybe we will get one. – Exciting – I’ll call tomorrow hopefully.

3. I have an emergency call in with another doctor who is reviewing my medical information and he is supposed to call me in the morning. I am very hopeful that I can find something else out that works for me along this journey.

4. My wonderful friends that are helping to educate me more about food, diet, blood types foods that are best, etc. I am learning a lot!

5. Many people have been so generous with their time, I have had 2 mother’s helpers so far and yesterday one even cleaned out our refrigerator! I don’t know how I could do this without the help. I am loving the meals, well not really since I’m not eating them, but my family is definitely loving them and it makes my life so much easier. Thanks so much everyone that has done or has signed up to do something for our undeserving family. You are blessings!

6. People have given me wigs, scarves and hats! I haven’t lost my hair yet and so I haven’t decided on what I’ll do – it’s emotional and I am still processing it all. Today I went the whole day with a cap and a scarf tied around it. I was afraid to itch or touch it too much but tonight I brushed it and there is a lot there still. I am hoping this will all be resolved within the next week or so.

Love you and I really would appreciate you praying for me and my health especially in the next few days.
Blessings
Karri