Working on having Grace - April 27, 2012

I am pretty upfront and happy to discuss anything for the most part in life, I have always been very honest and forthcoming with my thoughts and feeling, if I have a problem or issue, big or small I am happy to talk about it and even argue about it. If I am confused or questioning something, I am willing to ask -  whether it be raising my hand in a meeting , asking the grocer where something is in the store or asking a friend why he or she did this or that because it seemed a bit out of character.

As a director of many programs over the years, one of my biggest emphases has been the striving of good communication within the group. I personally have been disappointed when someone has chosen to assume or think a particular way without clarifying things. I actually think out of all the frustrations I have in life this has to be one of my biggest.

Last year I had one of the biggest issues ever when a woman on the campus I ran believed (without clarifying of course) that I didn’t want her friend to visit the campus, but I had allowed others to visit and so she assumed I was playing favorites, being rude, etc. I was in total shock when I found this out because I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t just come to me and talk about her feeling and ask why I had done what I did. Of course, there is always a reason behind every action. What she didn’t know is that the two ladies I did allow to come had called the night before from other cities and I had asked special requirements of them as it was our communities last day and I didn’t want extra children and parents running around the campus on this special day. Long story short, this had major consequences; she took her thoughts, misunderstood beliefs and perceptions and ran with them. This has happened many times over the years and I just do not get or understand how people, especially people that I would call friends or at least good acquaintances could do this.

I totally believe that this lack of communication and clarifying is one of Satan’s biggest hidden tools that he uses to divide and conquer, especially within the body of Christ. I actually had a friend (past now) call the police on me when I had a depressing day and went to her and said comments like “I look forward to heaven.” and she totally misunderstood. I gave her clarification on my feelings an thoughts and assured her that I wasn’t going to take my own life, even if this was her perception of my comment, and days later and after many phone calls, she still had the audacity to call the police to my house to check that I was o.k.! We were having pizza and movie night and enjoying our family time when two police officers came knocking on our door. I can’t tell you that level of shock and “Seriously!?” that came to my mind. Of course we explained the situation to the officers and said that this woman was sensitive to the subject because she had friends in life that had taken their own lives and she was projecting her feelings and concerns of the past onto me and my comments and taking things way out of context. Of course, the officers could see that I was a happy woman that had a bad day a few days earlier and had trusted the wrong person with my confidence.

So you are probably wondering why I am sitting here writing about his when this is my cancer blog, right? because, I really don’t want to assume. Ha ha ha!  Okay, now figuring this isn’t a conversation and it is instead my ranting at 2:30 in the morning, I will continue. This topic is brought up as I struggle how to be content with people and their obvious failings of getting clarification on things and work towards good understanding. Now, of course I understand we are all sinners and we are to have grace; but I feel like this is an area where I really struggle. I feel like it must be how my husband handles dealing with people in traffic. He talks and occasionally yells at the cars with their windows shut, and the people inside that obviously have no clue. When I am in the car with him, I say things like “Honey, calm down.” and “They didn’t know.” and “She’s just an old lady.” You can’t do anything about traffic and ignorant people that do stupid things, which of course he realizes, but his comments are how he handles it. Of course I wish he would be praying “Dear Lord, help me with my frustration.”, but I guess he’s not there yet when it comes to this driving frustrations with people.

I wonder if I will ever have enough grace and understanding in my heart to deal with this frustration or if I will always be inside yelling at the people and situations in my heart or venting to close friends about the issues that come up? Will I ever be able to drive down the road of life and look at the ill – educated people that make rash decisions and wrong turns, drive too fast, make misjudgments and just be able to say “its okay and God please help me be calm and deal with my heart?”

My hubby and I are more alike in this dealing with frustrations, than I thought before writing this post. We both feel it necessary to say something even if no one can hear or cares. This is my 114^th post and I think it is good for me to write to get out my thoughts and feelings although I have serious doubts that my writing is very beneficial unless it my copying a sermon or health information, posting websites or other beneficial information. I wonder if reading this blog is more along the lines of watching a soap opera or day time talk show.
Anyways, it is late as I sit here with my sweet black kitty Sebastian purring on my lap, and I think I need to go because, no doubt there will be frustrations and irritation of tomorrow that I will have to work on having grace with and I probably need my rest.

 I don’t say my prayers to the Lord out loud with the person in the room being the target of thoughts and say things like“ Dear Lord, I pray that Harrison will pick up his swimsuit and dirty clothes.” so that I can target the person in a roundabout way making them feel guilty and inadequate. I don’t write anything on this blog that is directed to one person or about any specific comment either. Everything is generalized as I am not a deceitful and calculating and so please don’t read into this and think it has something to do you, because once again that would be you assuming, wouldn’t it?

The world would be a much better place if people would and could, just be open and honest and treat each other with respect, consideration and keep the Golden Rule in mind. Hoping for the best in a person with a level of trust for a persons good intentions before judging them would be awesome! I believe clear communication and clarification on any confusion would make the world a better place as well. I know I will try to the best of my ability and I hope that everyone will do these things . I know that we all need more grace and compassion in life.

Blessings,
Karri