Gotta Live like we're Dyin' - March 28, 2012

I am frustrated this morning by the fact that I have cancer. I realize completely that God control and that this is part of His refinement for my life; however this morning I am frustrated that it has to be me and this way. Of course God knows that we have six children 14 and under and that we home school (well try to) and that I am starting up a new school next year because the Holy Spirit lead me to. Of course God knows our financial situation and He sees the huge stack of ever growing bills on my husband’s desk. Of course God sees my schedule of Red Devil chemo rounds on my calendar that are dark purple in color and take up 7 days and could be more. God knows the exactly the feelings and symptoms I’ll have and the time that I’ll be down for the count. He knows how much help I’ll need and exactly who will be here helping with housework, kids and tending to my needs. Of course God sees inside my body at the scary looking cancer with spikes on it. He sees every day of my past and every day of my future.  He is in control and I totally get it, however my human brain and body don’t want to go through it. I just don’t.

Quote from the Moss report – page 18: Breast cancer is the most common malignancy among American women, afflicting about one in nine. About 209,000 women develop breast cancer in the US alone each year and almost 40,000 die of it each year. I am frustrated that there are so many people that have this disease and that are going through this. I so wish this wasn’t the case.

I am a rarity when it comes to this cancer. I did everything right as far as separating myself from the risks – I had multiple births, breastfed all our kids, and I’m only 40. Not only that, but I have Her 2 positive (aggressive cancer) which only 5 – 10% of patients have, depending on what you read. Also, my cancer was fast growing - I literally felt it grow over 5 – 6 day period. So the fact is that God is in control, and that he allowed me to have this cancer and that He is in charge of everything from here on out. I have to take the occasional thoughts of frustration even and remind myself of the truths of the Lord.

1.      I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 – I have counted and believed on this verse for years and I know it is true. I just don’t know how far I can push it. I have never gone through cancer before. 

2.      Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them and you will have them. Mark 11:24 – This is a verse that I struggle with to be honest. Does this mean that if I ask for cancer to disappear, that it will? Really? Then if this is the case – Why would I have surgery? Of course I would love it to disappear and not have to go through any more chemo or surgery, but is that what God wants me to do? I do not know. 

3.      If you abide in me and my words abide in you, then ask what you desire and it shall be done for you. John 15:7 – Well here He is again saying, just ask. Okay God, I am asking: Please take away this cancer. Let me be healed by your mighty hands and not by mans. Let me live a long time and see my grandchildren. Have mercy on me my great healer and provider. Let me live to do your work and will. In Jesus name Amen. 

4.      Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits; Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercies. Psalms 103:2 – 4 - I do believe that God can and will heal me. I am asking Him to have mercy on me and forgive me for my sins. But more than anything, I am seeking to do His will in my life whatever that may be, even if it means going through a lot of things I do not want to go through. I don’t pretend to understand Him and all His ways. I try to, but I am just a dumb sheep, hoping for His guidance through His shepherds hook in my life.

I am off to training this morning for the new university model school I am starting up. I have been up since 4:00 and so I am going to try to get a few more hours of sleep. Brenda is driving us to Midlothian. I am looking forward to the beautiful Texas landscape along the way. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you. God loves us both.

Yesterday in the car, I heard two songs about death, this was one of them. It's so true.