Yesterday, I felt that I was being spiritually attacked and I felt sorry for myself and my situation. I was tired and so I was lying in bed with Hudson. I didn’t want to get up when Mark had gone to run errands, to deal with #6’s “I just got woken up” whining. I was frustrated with him and I kept trying to read Harry the Dog again instead of getting up. Then I felt guilty that I didn’t want to be pulled around by my finger to figure out exactly what he wanted. I have been pulled in many different directions for years (having 6 kids at home 24/7 does that to you) and I was just starting to get to a good place where things were a bit easier around here. I was excited that Hayden was talking better and Hudson was being a bit more independent. I had been thinking about potty training and teaching the little guys some basic school stuff, and now I am thinking when am I supposed to add those things in now?
If I could just continue to put myself on the back burner then I could cope better. People say I have to do this and it’s kind of like when the plane is going down and you have to get oxygen for yourself before giving it to your kids so you are there for them later. I just don’t like being put in this schedule and itinerary without my consent. There are so many things that I want to do differently. I want my schedule to be about school work again instead of doctor’s appointments and chemo and rest. I want any money that would have to go toward braces for Holly, a fence for the house a kitchen remodel and ya a car that fits our whole family before it goes for my stupid medical needs. I want my energy to go to playing outside with my kids and going for walks around the park instead of me being tired and needing to rest. I want our family prayers to not have me on the list anymore. I want to be able to read and have consistent days instead of all the new things pulling me in new directions I just don’t care to go. I want to be able to sleep at night instead of being up at 1:00 a.m. because of a doctor’s mistake 2 ½ years ago. I know we all have things we want, but to me all that makes more sense than this.
I know God has a plan and this is part of it, but I just don’t understand how to be o.k. with the time, money and energy going to the one that runs this house and that has gotten better each year with being pulled in the direction of others. I don’t even have a clue what the majority of my eldest girls school work is right now How am I, not supposed to have guilt about that? Everyone says that it’s just for a period of time and that it will be better but right now I have that little boy that doesn’t understand that Mom doesn’t have the energy to help you and do for you always like I have previously. I have kids that have needs and I don’t know how I am supposed to be o.k. that sometimes I can’t do what I did before.
Cancer has taken such a greedy little seat in my life and I am frustrated and mad that it wants so much. It is ugly, uncaring and selfish. Who in the world would want to care for such a horrible little monster? But being that cancer has invaded my body and it is so demanding that is exactly what I have to do. If I don’t worry about doctor appointments, diet, rest, supplements, chemo, etc. he might overtake me and then I won’t be here at all. I know this fact; I am just really upset by it. I want to learn what I can through the process, but I can’t seem to help feeling a bit irritated at times.
At the beginning of the school year I tried to go to the YMCA. I was going to get my butt in shape, but it was so hard to deal with the schedule for the kids and naps and so I gave that up within a month. And so it seems with most things in my life that if I try to do something for myself for too long, I give it up because it doesn’t work for the whole family. How am I supposed to make this work for another 9 -10 months? This is definitely the hardest thing so far about cancer. It is always easiest to give up on your wants/ needs and even hopes and dreams when you have six beautiful faces that just want their Mom and her time and attention.O.k. that’s enough complaining for one day. I can’t imagine what I would be thinking / saying if I was in your shoes reading this blog. I wonder sometimes what people are thinking, obviously not too much since I am usually so transparent.
I hope you have a blessed and happy dayLove